the case of the missing bagger

during my time in boston, when i was working as a professional friend to the elderly, i had some of the greatest encounters of my life.  the elderly i worked with were all over seventy and lived alone.  they had limited social contacts due to a number of different reasons including death, relocation, or estrangement from many years ago.  with some of the people i visited, it was clear why they were alone.  (the woman who had spent years in jail for murder comes to mind).  with many it was impossible to understand why, after living a good life and being a friend to so many, they were left to live out their final years by themselves.

one day i got a referral from a social worker, indicating that this gentleman named john, might like to have a friendly visitor.   i didn't have much information other than the fact that he was 77 and lived by himself.  i called him up and he immediately picked up and yelled, "YELLO!"  i introduced myself to john and told him that his social worker thought he might like to become involved with our program. i offered to come out and meet him so we could get to know each other and figure out if it was something he was interested in. john was all business.  "all righty.  well, let's see...what have i got today...how's about you call me later today and we'll schedule a time?"  i agreed to do that and we hung up.  a second later, the phone rang.  "hey mary...it' s john.  what time is it?"  i told him it was 10:45am.  "well okay then.  i'll meet you outside my building at quarter past 11.  we'll go for a walk, talk about something, and what not."  sounded like a good plan to me.  i was about to hang up and he yelled, "hey...whaddya wearing?  how will i know who you are?!?"

i went to john's building and he was waiting on the bench outside, wearing his powder blue jacket, just as he said he would.  he sat, medium height, very trim, gray hair slicked just so, chewing furiously on a toothpick.  i introduced myself and we sat and chatted for a bit.  john knew everyone who walked by and shouted out his pleasantries as each person passed.  "hey daisy!  where you not gonna say hi to me?!"  after a split second of silence, he said, "did you have garlic yesterday?"  slightly confused, i said, "uh...i don't think so."  "well,"  john said in his very frank way, "you've got nice breath."  we moved on to discussing our favorite foods and he busted out with, "SO...whaddya do for liquids?"  i was silent because i was completely baffled by the question.  john, clearly frustrated by my silence, followed up with, "so ya like orange juice?  apple juice? water?  WHAT?!"  wow...i wasn't hallucinating.  i was in fact, sitting on a bench, with an old man, discussing my favorite liquids.  and getting paid for it.

it didn't take long before i knew that when john wanted something, he made it clear.  we were on john's schedule.  "ok...let's go over to stop 'n shop."  i agreed, we both stood up, he grabbed onto my arm, and off we went.  we walked, very slowly, to the store, making sure to say hello to everyone we passed including popping into the dry cleaners to say hi to the owner and then we had to wave at the people sitting in the diner.  as soon as we entered stop 'n shop, he headed right for the salad bar.  an employee, looking to be about sixteen, was filling up the tomato bin and waved at john.  "hey matt...i want you to meet my friend mary.  now- no kissing you two.  but mary, he's pretty good-lookin for an irishman, right?"  before i could even respond, john stabbed his toothpick into a piece of melon and popped it right in his mouth.  he used that toothpick to consume at least a pound of items from the salad bar and no one could stop him, not even matt.

after what seemed, and probably was, an hour and a half of slowly winding up and down aisles, looking for the very best price of every item, we finally approached the check-out.  "hey mary- the guy in front of us smells like a goddamn ashtray, doesn't he?"  i told john that i couldn't smell anything.  but he was right.  the guy reaked.  i just felt kind of badly for him, so i felt the need to disagree with john.  it was finally our turn, and of couse he said hello to the woman checking us out, because he knew her too.  "hey there, karen. three bags, double-bagged please."  i breathed a sigh of relief at his politeness with karen.  the bagger was called over by another employee, so he stepped away.  john immediately shouted, "WHERE THE FUCK DID THE BAGGER GO?!"  everyone in lined cracked up, and in a bizzarre way, i felt like i was with a stop 'n shop celebrity. "wow john," karen said through her giggles, "ya havin a bad day?" he looked over at me and said, "as you can see, i sometimes like to holler but i mean no harm by it.  if things aren't perfect than i go a little crazy."  well, i thought, the first step is admitting it.  "but where is that fuckin bagger?" he said, in all seriousness.

we began the slow trek back to his apartment.  john said, "now, i'm gonna let you in my apartment on one condition.  you have to behave yourself.  and i'll behave myself."  "sounds like a perfect plan," i said.  we were in the elevator going up to his apartment, and john was chatting with his buddy, the UPS delivery guy.  the UPS guy said, "john, you're a lucky man to be spending the afternoon with this young lady."  john said matter-of-factly, "yeah, and she's lucky to be spending it with me."  no kidding.