back on the blogwagon

bless me father, for i have sinned. it's been 6 months since my last blog. wow...that sounds like something i should see a doctor for. perhaps some leafy greens and a burrito will help me blog again. i'm not sure what the hiatus has been about. it's not as if i don't have things that annoy me and things that crack me up that i'm willing to share with the 2 people who read this every 3 months or so. i guess i can blame it on my move to chicago and transitional times and vh1 countdown shows.

enough of that, i'm back. let me begin with my latest encounters with funny old people. even though i don't work with them anymore, i still make sure to befriend them now and then. this is made easier since the manfriend works with them. he introduced me to a couple gems last week. first we've got maria. she's from romania and has a very thick accent and the world's highest voice. add in the paranoia and you've got a great time! as soon as we walked in, she yelled, "I LOVE YOU! I LIKE YOU! YOU MAKE SET HAPPY! GOD BLESS YOU LIFE! YOU FIND ME IN BED...I SO SORRY, YOU FIND ME IN BED!" it wasn't long before i was engrossed in her story about how the gypsies come in at night and take her blood and will eventually cut off her limbs and send her up there. apparently these gypsies are the true evil. they are dangermental. they've got the psychos. she also let us know that the dad on "everybody loves raymond" is warning people about these gypsies, and david letterman also speaks the truth. even helen knows (i think she meant ellen). ted o'neill from "married with children" has also given people some signs, but so far it hasn't worked. my favorite part of our conversation was when we were discussing what they serve for lunch at the nursing home. she was complaining about how much chicken they give her, and exclaimed, "I CAN NO SUPPORT THE SMELL OF THE CHICKEN PATIO!" so watch out chicken patio smell- if you're planning on running for the president of smells, you do not have maria's support. maria's situation is really very sad. i suspect that she did have a horribly violent and difficult life which left her paraoid and alone. she's really a very kind person, it's too bad those dangermental gypsies want to take her skull.

then we have johnny. here's johnny... a WWII vet through and through. it's evident from his "death before dishonor" tattoo (it only cost $7!) to his unapologetically frank war stories. when we got there, we spotted johnny, with his out of control scraggly grey hair shooting out from the side of his baseball cap, sitting in the lunch room, wearing classic old man brown bedroom slippers on his calloused feet, waiting for his hamburger. seth tapped him on the shoulder and johnny immediately shot up straighter. apparently he had been taking a little nap. "hey...johnny...this is my girlfriend, mary." johnny looked at me and then looked at seth and yelled, "nice! ya got somethin nice to play with!" he thinks i'm too beautiful for a common name like mary. i asked what name i should go by and he said, "how about marian? that's a name, right?" but after mulling it over, he said, "but i'll call ya sweetheart." yeah, cause sweetheart is so original. he was telling us about a woman named mary that he dated when he was in hong kong. that led to him complaining about china and how he couldn't understand anything anyone said. he said, "ya know any chinese?" seth said, "no, but i know a few words in japanese." johnny said, "i killed a couple japs." then we heard the details on that unfortunate encounter. at one point he said to seth, "wait...so ya still got the mary in frisco AND this mary?" once we cleared up the fact that i am, in fact, both frisco mary AND chicago mary, johnny said that if i think there are a lot of queers in frisco, i should check out bakersfield. the funny thing is that i have been to bakersfield and i would've been happy to find some queers. instead all i found is what seemed to be a ghost town with only the occasional sociopathic-looking fellow roaming about. perhaps the most awkward moment of the johnny visit began when a woman in a wheelchair started wailing in pain. johnny yelled over to her, "hey...ya having yer baby now?" then he pointed to seth and said, "cause i got a dad here for ya."

on a completely unrelated note, i highly recommend "march of the penguins." before seeing the movie, i thought penguins were cute and fun, for birds. birds that swim...that's pretty cool. birds that don't fly...also pretty cool. birds that can survive in antarctica where practically nothing else does...literally, very cool. but after seeing this movie, i am obsessed with penguins. as i watched the movie, i thought about how i really hope that there's no such thing as reincarnation, because what if i come back as a penguin? walking 70 miles for food in -85 degree weather? balancing my baby's egg under my fat belly for months, while i wait for my spouse to hopefully return and help me out? nevermind the effects of the cold air on my combination skin. i just don't think i'd do very well at penguin life.

but, one more day of 90-something weather with 1000% humidity and i may book a flight for antartica. this is not right. can people please stop using aerosol cans and doing whatever else it is that they're doing that is ruining the ozone layer? global warming is annoying the crap out of me. on one of my little crack binges i decided to sign up for the chicago marathon this fall. that means running a helluva lot in what feels like the most humid and hot conditions ever known to humankind. tomorrow i've got a 12-miler to tackle and i'm not really looking forward to it.

why do i have such intense hatred for tom cruise? yeah, he's ridiculous and ignorant and fairly talentless and embarrassing. but the hatred i have for him is kind of unwarranted since, as far as i remember, he's never done anything to hurt me directly. but, anytime i see him or read something he says, i just wish he would move to an island (with kelly rippa and starr jones and melissa rivers and all the other people i don't know, but have intense hatred for), so i never have to see his face or hear anything about him ever again. but, the irony is, that i secretly love reading stupid crap he says, just so i can hate him more. his latest tirade about psychology would be laughable if i could be sure that everyone who saw or read it, knew that he was completely insane and in need of some drugs. i fear that some lost souls may actually look up to him and take what he drivels on about as the truth. i also fear, that at this rate, if he says one more stupid thing, my country is likely to elect him as our next president.