smelly corns and springsteen

it's been happening for as long as i can remember. i very occasionally get this weird taste in the back of my throat. just a very faint sign of what's to come. sometimes the taste goes away and i forget about it for a while. then later, i suddenly have the urge to cough. and it happens. the birth of a tonsillolith. that's what the doctors like to call it, but i prefer to use the technical term, "smelly corn." it looks like a little piece of corn and it smells like a skunk's ass. just awful. for years i thought i was alone in my smelly corn production. but then i began to tell my story. i have since found many who share this talent. yes, talent. i pity those who have never had the perverse joy of coughing up a smelly corn. you smelly corn producers know what i mean. you smell the thing with a balance of disgust and pride- pride in your ability to produce something so jam-packed with foul odor. sometimes just smelling it isn't enough, so i like to take a tissue and squish it so that it emits an even worse odor. i then usually sing a round of, "smelly corn...smelly corn...what are they feeding you?" a friend (and fellow smelly corn producer) recently sent me this link: http://www.tonsilstones.com. the site has info on how to prevent these stinky little monsters from forming. WHAT? what happened to nature taking its course? what's next? preventing belly button cheese? sometimes i amaze myself with just how jersey i truly am. sure, i worked at the rockaway mall. yeah, i like the sopranos. of course i love eating funnel cake on the boardwalk at the jersey shore on a summer night. that's just basic. but nothing and no one makes me want to march in a new jersey pride parade more than bruce springsteen. my love of the boss began in the summer of my seventh year. much of my childhood was spent coming up with any reason i could to hang out with my older brothers. when i heard my brother tom's guitar strum the tune of "smoke on the water" i'd rush to the basement door, quickly brush off my holly hobbie robe, regain my composure and act cool as i slowly wandered down the puke-green wooden stairs. "hey guys...dad needs the hammer." i took my time choosing just the right hammer from the work bench and then slowly ascended the stairs, all the while soaking in every word they exchanged like a sponge. two minutes later, i'd be back down. now it was tom's friend mike singing "i can see for miles." my timing couldn't have been better. "hey guys...dad's done with the hammer." then it occurred to me- i needed to come up with more reason to hang out in the basement. that's when i decided to begin a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. it was a nature scene that was almost entirely brown, indicating that it could take the better part of the summer to complete. i carefully spread the pieces out on the ping-pong table and got comfortable. a few days into "project use puzzle to spy on brothers", it was clear that there wasn't going to be a whole of traffic coming into the basement. i recalled my research on junior high boys in their natural habitat and realized that the cure for boredom was to put on music and nod the head in approval of the jam. i walked over to the enormous basement stereo with the three huge dials and 8-track deck, and accessed my options. i glanced at the 8-tracks that were laying on the table next to the chemistry kits. "queen's greatest hits." "the doors." "the grease soundtrack." bruce springsteen, "darkness on the edge of town." i already had the grease soundtrack memorized so i figured i'd try out springsteen. before i had even assembled the frame of the puzzle, i had discovered that my new favorite song of all time (beating out "someday, little children" from the sesame street album) was "candy's room." "yes bruce", i thought, "there IS a sadness hidden is this pretty face. bruce, you totally get me." so now, 24 years later, i own practically every springsteen album ever produced and am counting down the 29 days until i see him live for the second time. the puzzle will be complete.