People’s reaction to Amy Winehouse’s death has really gotten my goat. I saw something on FB where someone I don’t know commented on a friend’s page saying how Amy deserved to die and she brought it on herself. With this shitty logic, everyone who smokes deserves to die of lung cancer and those who ever eat crappy fast food deserve to die of diabetes. And by this logic, the person who posted the stupid comment deserves to die from the weight of the rock he is apparently living under. I really hope that people just want to seem witty but actually aren’t at all and just feel the need to say SOMETHING about news stories like this one, and don’t ACTUALLY despise people with addiction. IT’S A DISEASE. Even if it wasn’t- how about we start analyzing your life choices, random FB dude, and see what’s what. This lack of compassion for people who are in difficult situations overwhelms me.
What’s it like to be friends with this FB guy? “Hey friend. My sister just died of a drug overdose.” FB guy: “SHE DESERVED IT! NO LOSS THERE!”
And then the comments from people who seem most concerned that they won’t get another Amy Winehouse album that I’m sure they wouldn’t even buy anyway. Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness… and new Amy Winehouse downloads when I damn well please…apparently these are things to which I am entitled.
So I worked myself up into a comforting holier than thou rage about this, and then headed off to church. Some sweet tunes and happy faces and then a sermon about that old standard passage talking about how we should love our enemies. I HATE THAT BULLSHIT! Uh hello people, my enemies are my enemies because they suck. As the fine Pastor so astutely pointed out, this is tricky because it’s hard enough to love the people we love. Now we should add enemies to this mix? Sometimes this trying to live my best life is for the friggin’ birds.
This reminds me of 6th grade when I went home and told my Mom, “I HATE…” (insert name of girl who had a HUGE tude). My Mom, “We don’t hate anyone. We just dislike the things they do.” “Yeah, I know, Mom. That’s usually what we do but I HATE her. If you had to be in gym with her, you’d hate her too.” I only remember this because my Mom quoted that one years later. And also, because I really hated that girl and hate like that is memorable.
The thing is, I don’t think of myself as having many enemies. Enemies sounds so dramatic. It’s more that there are people that I just don’t want to deal with because they’ve done and/or said crappy things to me or people I love, or I just find their choices irritating and life is short, and I’d rather surround myself with awesome people. In thinking about this, my thoughts went to- what is love? I, like Foreigner, wanna know what love is. I want these assholes that I don’t like to show me. I know what love is when it’s unconditional family and friend love, or romantic love, or love for that delicious monkey bread with the dill butter dipping sauce I had at the Bristol the other night. But what is love for an enemy?
Practically speaking, how do I go about loving a shithead? I’m so crappy at this that I almost want to passive aggressively give examples of shitty things people have said/done just to prove how much I shouldn’t even bother trying to love them. Can you believe she said THAT?!! Can you believe he did THAT?! I like to convince myself that not talking about it and trying not to take things personally and keeping a positive outlook and pretty much ignoring the existence of “enemies” is the nicest thing to do. But alas, I think I’m suppose to actually be wishing well on these people and considering why they do the things they do. Because if most people did that than good really would win out over evil- in large scale war situations and in interpersonal relationships. Ew. How annoying is that?
The doozy is that I’m a peace-loving kinda gal at heart. And the only sensible avenue for actual peace in the world is to actually show love to everyone and think about the reasons for why people do what they do, and then….drum roll…address those reasons. Last night I watched Diane Sawyer’s interview with Jaycee Dugard. Jaycee was kidnapped and held hostage by a guy who raped her… for 18 YEARS. Jaycee exudes happiness and peace. Her life is far from perfect and she’s receiving a boat load of therapy just to get through everything now but she said it herself that she’s very happy, and holds no rage for the guy that did that to her. She won’t give him the satisfaction of wasting energy on rage. It’s amazing and inspiring and so fascinating to me. Then I thought about the kidnapper. I guess I’m supposed to love that guy. I have no idea what that means. I am curious to know what his life was like growing up and what happened to him, to lead him to do the horrific things he did. This curiosity comes more from the social worker in me that is curious about people and the desire to understand these behaviors so that we are able to look out for them in others and address problems early on and atrocities like the ones Jaycee experienced are prevented from happening again. But love the guy? Yikes. That is a tall order. The guy that led the terrorist attack in Norway? The people who have said and done racist, homophobic and sexist things to friends? REALLY?
That said, no matter how I’m supposed to love these folks, I know for sure that I can do it without them crapping up my Facebook feed.
Speaking of the social worker in me, let’s end on a happier note. The other day it occurred to me while chatting with social workers at my office, that no matter what work I’m doing or will ever do, I’ll most likely always consider myself a social worker. I love that freaking profession so much and am so glad that I happened to fall into with what seems like zero forward thinking on my part.
Trying to love people that aren’t easy to love… I suppose that is both social, and it is clearly work. I should be better at this seeing as I spent 40k on a masters in it.
Oh, Contrary, I loved this post and have been consumed with the same conundrum of late. I guess I shouldn't be surprised as we were separated at birth--plus or minus a decade or two, but who's counting? Sadly, I'm beginning to think that quotidian annoyances [read: humans] are what constitute "the enemy." I would do so much better with a cold war problem. Or a north vs south situation, e.g. Vietnam or US circa 1800s. It seems so much easier to envision compassion when there is a clear enemy line. But the jackasses of everyday life? --> Father, take this cup from me already. (If I get any of this figured out, I'll let you know. Do the same, would you?) Love from Suzanne
ReplyDeleteSister soulmate- I was thinking of you and your work at the women's prison. I can love those women but if they did anything to me or someone I'm close to- probably not so much. And like you said, I'd have an easier time with a clear international divide than, as you so wisely said, the jackasses of everyday life. Someone needs to write: Loving Jackasess for Dummies. I just don't get how I'm supposed to do this. Especially when I'm so Larry David with my completely annoyance at all injustice, no matter how minor. I'm finding jackassess in daily life left and right. And being silent to injustice and letting jackasses carry on with their jackassery, doesn't always seem like the right choice either because then the nice people get screwed. I'll certainly keep you posted if/when I figure any of this out. Much love- M
ReplyDeleteAbout to go take a run. Decided to do this 3-minute retreat thing that I've been doing lately. (I'm practically a Jesuit priest minus the junk. Did I tell you?) Anyway, this is what it said. "Before a diamond, the strongest and most brilliant mineral, emerges, it withstands intense pressure and heat. Our faith, too, is tested. Daily we endure the temptations of taking the easy way out, of the "good life" offered by our society. The road to goodness and holiness is not always the easiest traveled, but it is the most rewarding." (Translation for Mary: We're fucked.)
ReplyDeleteOh. And I just got to the damn prayer, damn it.
ReplyDelete"Lord, I know I am a diamond in the rough. Be with me as I withstand the pressures of life so that through me others may come to know your love."
(Amen.)
ReplyDeleteOh fucking A, that makes so much sense. It pisses me off. I love that you're an almost Jesuit priest sans junk. I need to know more about this.
ReplyDeleteYeah, it pisses me off, too. Love. Geez. WTF.
ReplyDeleteRe: the Jesuits, well, I've had these beliefs my whole life but didn't know they had a name. Turns out St. Ignatius had a lot of those same beliefs. So I've been practicing Ignatian spirituality a lot--feels like a homecoming of sorts. Really cool. (above excerpts came from Ignatian Spirituality web site) So I'm counting that as almost being a Jesuit priest minus the junk and am tempted to get a wanger sewn on just to illustrate the absurdity of the fact that a unit is the only thing keeping me from really being one.